


I'm Pickle Heinz!

by Thinker109



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Crack, Dark Crack, Is eating a person-turned-food considered vore?, Vore?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:20:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26057875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thinker109/pseuds/Thinker109
Comments: 7
Kudos: 8





	I'm Pickle Heinz!

“Well, _this_ wasn’t supposed to happen”

Heinz is… a pickle. And so is he. They’re both fucking pickles.

“What the fuck.”

Heinz’s face, barely visible on the green vegetable, looks at you. His eyes are wide and his mouth has formed an “o” of surprise. “You can… talk?” 

“Apparently, as a _fucking_ pickle, I have vocal chords.”

Disgruntled and rather disgusted, he says, “Well we gotta get out of being pickles, Perry the Picklepus. It’s horrible! I can’t move and I’m all… green and knobbly.” 

Busy looking down at his not-platypus-shaped body, Perry doesn’t hear the ominous creak of the door.

Heinz doesn’t notice the shadowy figure stepping in either, preoccupied by trying to lick himself to see if he _tastes_ like a pickle.

Perry is the first to notice a shadow sliding over his tiny green body and looks up to meet hungry eyes. The eyes of an evil scientist who hasn’t eaten in a day. The eyes of an evil scientist looking to steal blueprints from his opposer’s lair.

Aloyse Everheart Elizabeth Otto Wolfgang Hypatia Gunther Galen Gary Cooper von Roddenstein stared at the pickles lying on the table before him, hungry. His stomach rumbled and he grabbed the pickle on the left.

“What--? _Rodney_ ?! What are you doing in my lab? And Why are you-- Oh Gott your breath smells _horrible_ … Rodney? Rodney what are you-- Wait are you--” Heinz stammers, trying to struggle away but he can’t move.

Rodney brings the pickle closer to his mouth, slowly, as if trying to savor the scent of the pickle.

“I swear I don’t taste good, please put me down--”

Rodney holds the pickle as one holds a hotdog, the bottom pointed to his lips, and bites off the butt of the pickle, stem and all.

Front teeth cut quickly through the thin skin of the pickle, tearing through the meat easily with a horrible _crunch_ . Heinz _screams_ , loud enough that Perry would cringe if he could move.

Rodney chews, crunching the pickle into sticky pieces, and swallows loudly.

“I can _feel_ it, Perry the Picklepus! I can feel the pickle! And it’s-- it’s going down his... throat…” Heinz’s eyes roll back and he goes silent.

Perry gulps, terrified. This is the end. He’s going to be fucking eaten because he’s been turned into a fucking pickle. This is the goddamn end. He’ll never see his boys again… Never say goodbye. He winces with each horrible crunch as Heinz gets eaten.

Sour pickle juice drips down Rodney’s chin, his eyes aglow from the powers the pickle gave him. He lunges to the next pickle, an unsuspecting victim of his were-pickle frenzy.

Perry scrunches his eyes closed, preparing as best as he can to be devoured, but…

He feels a tongue licking under him. The finger on his head is slowly punching him into Rodney’s mouth, wet with saliva and pickle juice. Rodney doesn’t stop to bite him into chunks, which Perry is briefly thankful for, before realizing that he’s being pushed further… and further inside…

Rodney stands in the center of an empty lab, throat distending slightly as he pushes down a full pickle, choking it down like a seagull. His eyes are bright green, a classic sign of a were-pickle.

Perry feels the walls of Rodney’s throat pulsing around him, pushing him down through chunks of pickle-- chunks of _Heinz_.

And then he feels nothing but pain. This must be the stomach acid. It eats at his skin and he screams obscenities at his terrible fucking life. It prickles and stings and feels like _fire_ , eating further inside him until he can’t even scream anymore, can’t feel anything…

* * *

Perry opens his eyes, seeing the comforting orange at the bottom of his vision. He’s back. He’s a platypus! But… where?

Norm steps forwards from the blinding whiteness. “HELLO PERRY THE PLATYPUS. WELCOME TO HEAVEN! I’M GOD.”


End file.
